Dear Eric: Over the last 10 years, the father of my grandchildren has been a severe alcoholic. Two years ago, my daughter left him. After he had been living on the streets, my daughter asked if he could stay in my basement so that he would get sufficient rest and be able to have the children with him; she knows it’s important for the children to be with their dad. I agreed.

This young man has been unemployed for at least two years. He has been going to AA, and although he has relapsed several times, he has not been violently drunk the way he was in the past. He seems to be working the program.

I lent him $300 in July to pay part of an open court case he has. At that time, I wrote out that he had to have a job and pay me back the $300 by a certain date, or he would no longer be living at my house.

He has interviewed for many jobs but is still unemployed. I don’t know if he self-sabotages or doesn’t follow through. What I do know is that housing him is expensive for me—feeding a 28-year-old male, and the added electricity and other utilities that, of course, he uses.

The due date for the $300 is looming. Part of me thinks that his children need to be able to see him still, and maybe I should let him stay; the other part of me says that he needs to move out. He’s been given ample opportunity to make good on what he owes me and to be employed. What do you think?

— Full House

Dear Full House: The car may already be out of the driveway on this one, but it’s probably helpful to separate the loan from the housing agreement. He needs to pay you back either way. And he needs to move out.

Right now, you’re overextended. You’re housing your daughter’s ex, you’re feeding him, and you’re loaning him money. It’s too much for you, and it’s too much for the fraught relationship you have. I’m curious what he’s contributing to the house in return for a place to live. Even without a job, he’s capable of helping around the house, of cooking, of cleaning, of showing up for you.

While it may be good for the children to have their father in their lives, you should ask whether living under your roof is the only way for him to accomplish that. Perhaps the best place for him right now is a recovery house, where he can continue to get support in working his program, as well as support and accountability in his job pursuits.

Talk to him about housing first. It shouldn’t be a punishment for not repaying the loan. Instead, frame it as a conversation about the best path forward for everyone.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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